“Tough it out”, they said
“Man up”
“Men don’t cry”, yet another called out loud
According to the National Mental Health Survey (NMHS, 2015–16), nearly 14 per cent of India’s population lives with some form of mental disorder. Among men, the situation is particularly stark — suicide rates are 2.6 times higher than among women, with 1,18,979 men dying by suicide in 2021 compared to 45,026 women.
The expectations of being the breadwinner, protector, provider, leader are not just bone-crushing but life crushing. The suppression syndrome is raising its head in the growing suicide numbers. Suicide is becoming a more convenient option than being stoic. Men mostly store physical stress in their shoulders, upper traps and lower back. It is an unconscious reaction to carrying heavy responsibilities, work pressures or emotional weight – basically ‘carrying the world’.
Young boys are trained not to cry. Unlike women, there is lack of structured emotional guidance at developmental stages of life. Even if men cry privately, they don’t do so publicly. Even though sadness is not stored in shoulders, a man may describe his experience of crying as ‘a weight lifted off his shoulders’. This happens because shoulders carry responsibility. Sometimes the shoulders are not carrying the world, rather they are carrying everything we were not allowed to feel.
Young boys get trained into this even before they fully comprehend what emotions are. They are taught that fear is weakness, sadness is embarrassing and vulnerability is dangerous. The biggest roadblock comes in when they are taught that crying is feminine. Yes they can experience anger, aggression but no not tears. So the boys learn quite quickly to feel less, need less and show less.
As per WHO, globally men are 3 times more likely to die by suicide than women. U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy defines loneliness as a vital public health epidemic that is biologically akin to hunger or thirst.Murthy notes that men often experience deep isolation because cultural conditioning discourages vulnerability, teaching boys and men to shoulder burdens alone rather than ask for help. Yet phrases like ‘mard ko dard nahi hota‘ (men don’t feel pain) has become a part of common parlance. Bollywood and its hyper-masculine portrayal of actors set an example of ‘tough it out’ rather than ‘heal it in’. One of the movies shows the lead character not being able to cry alone in his room for fear of being watched. Another popular Bollywood actor in one of his interviews mentioned that he didn’t have the grace to hug his father on his death bed. The conditioning runs deep. Being emotional is seen as derogatory and a failure.
Men’s reluctance to seek help compounds this crisis. While women confide in friends and family, men lack safe spaces for emotional expression. Men’s social groups and their talks surround friendly banter related to girls, cars and movies. This drives men towards maladaptive coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, alcohol or aggression. UNICEF identifies the ‘unhealthy triad’ in adolescence as substance abuse, risky sexual behaviour, and aggression. Toxic masculinity must not be glorified and men’s mental health needs to be de-stigmatised.
A man doesn’t have to become ‘less masculine’ in order to integrate his femininity and become whole. He can become more emotionally whole by expanding his range.
One can be strong without always being harsh
One can lead and still be receptive to other’s opinions and help
One can take action that comes from alignment rather than hurry
One can achieve, build empires and still believe in the restoration of rest
One can be independent and still believe in the beauty of interdependence
Our society needs to learn to separate a man’s sense of worth from his ability to carry it all together at all times. Its okay for a man to breakdown. He need not carry it all together at all times. Rather than always acting out fine, one can seek emotional support. One can feel deeply without falling apart or letting their emotions wreck their lives apart.
Let us not create families and societies where a boy starts to work early on, has no place to share his vulnerability, gets married, becomes a breadwinner for the family, gets no time left to see his children grow, gets no time to take care of himself, succumbs to illness and finds satisfaction on his death bed when his kids and wife tells him- You were the best. Don’t men deserve better?
Subtle ways in which feminine energy can be integrated are-
- Creating something- It could be art, music, poetry or anything else. Creation when done without the need to constantly perform releases the need to act and ace it at all times.
- Keeping your nurturing side alive- By taking care of pets at home, playing with children, etc.
- Allowing intuitive self to have a say in decision making. The world runs by a spectrum of intelligence and not just logic.
While a two-wheeler advertisement had its tagline- “Why should men have all the fun?”
Lets for a while stay on this question- “Why should men carry all the burden?”