In 1992 Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages came up with a model of communication in a relationship. This could range from a parent-child relationship to a romantic partnership. It was based on a simple idea that different people express and perceive love in different ways. Some show their affection via acts of service, others through their words and yet another through thoughtful gifts. At first, it might seem like another random study on relationships that is trying to intellectualize an area of life that is more felt than understood. A deep dive reveals something different.
We tend to perceive the world as we are and hence communicate in ways we think are right. Jay Shetty, a British life coach shared an interesting anecdote from his own life which seems like the perfect depiction of this idea at play. In early phases of his relationship, he took his wife on expensive dates in hope that this is what she expects him to do. His wife on the other hand liked something more thoughtful and simpler. This is a classic example of how we tend to communicate and perceive the world as we are and not how the other is. On surface this might seem like a little thing with no major consequences. May be it is, may be not. The goal of a relationship is to make us feel more at home with our authentic versions. While one may be focused on paying the bills, getting chores done, the other might be desperately wanting some quality time together or some time to talk. In long run, this can be seen as one partner feeling deprived of love. This also creates unnecessary confusion and wastage of precious energy.
The Five Love Languages are –
Words of Affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken praise, written notes, compliments, and verbal encouragement.
Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided, distraction-free attention through shared activities, active listening, and presence.
Receiving Gifts: Appreciating thoughtful, symbolic tokens or physical items that show someone was thinking of you, rather than focusing on the price.
Acts of Service: Doing helpful, practical tasks that make life easier for your partner, such as cooking meals, running errands, or handling chores.
Physical Touch: Communicating care and bonding through physical closeness like hugging, holding hands, cuddling, or sexual intimacy
If you look at the core of the whole idea, it is one word and that is reciprocity.
No relationship is based on unconditional love. The very idea of unconditional love means that one has to accept the other as they are. This goes on to mean offering acceptance for their bad habits, unhealthy patterns and toxic attachment styles. The idea of unconditional love is founded on the belief that one is not willing to change and must be accepted as they are. This could become a recipe for abuse as well as toxic relationship dynamics. A relationship is founded on conditionality – a willingness to be a better human being for one’s own self as well as the sanctity of the relationship, a willingness to grow, a willingness to change perspectives, a willingness to let your ego be laid bare at the hands of others and perhaps a willingness to cultivate a new worldview.
The idea of love languages stem from this very conditionality of relationships. One can always argue – This is who I am. This is what I know love to be. This is how I have seen love to be around me and so on. Elif Shafak writes “Every true love and friendship is a story of unexpected transformation. If we are the same person before and after we loved, that means we haven’t loved enough.” A person whose love language is giving gifts intends to make his/her person happy by this. What if the other craves time or touch or finding time for some quality talk? The very goal of nourishing the soul of your significant other isn’t met and the longing continues. There is no standard recipe for love that will apply to everyone for love is not a dish. It is cultivation of a space for the two. At times this space will demand acceptance of the other which is no less beautiful. While at other times, this will call for transformation. Transformation by itself requires one to step outside one’s comfort zones, one’s known world. It is a willingness to be forged by the alchemy of the two hearts.
At times life will ask you to open your heart space to hold the other as they are and marvel at their very existence. At other times, it will ask you to be soften your rough edges to accommodate the other. And at yet other times, it will ask you to step into the unknown, leave your comfort zone behind and be willing to be forged in the fire of transformation. Love is never painted in one standard colour for every dynamic. It comes disguised as different lessons for each one of us. Its nugget of wisdom for every soul calls us to take different journeys and find the treasure in each one of it. For some it becomes an uncovering of oneself, a path of discovery, a homecoming. For others it might come as irritants and it is up to us to let ourselves be nurtured by these pearls of wisdom in due course of time.
Meerabai was a 16th-century mystic poet and devotee of Lord Krishna, whose love transcended the boundaries of worldly relationships. She saw Krishna not merely as a deity, but as her eternal beloved, her companion, and the very essence of her existence. For Meerabai, love was not about possession, proximity, or reciprocation in the worldly sense. It was about surrender, unwavering faith, dissolution of ego and union with the divine. It is said that Meerabai never said, “Krishna, you are mine”. Rather she said, “I am yours Krishna”.
Paulo Coelho, a literary figure renowned for his mystical writings wrote- “If you accept such love with purity and humility, you will understand that Love is neither giving nor receiving – it is participating.”
Mysticism could be ecstatic. It can ask of you to long and long forever for mere one moment of union with the Divine. At a time when couples often quote Rumi, the question that remains is this-
We mortals struggle to love our own selves first, let alone others.
At a time when individuality is on a rise, when we are so quick to box others, judge them and project on them, our lifespans in itself seem too short a journey to become humane, let alone Divine.
When we pedestalize people, expect them to be flawless, we are but expecting them to be Gods and Goddesses. On the contrary if we just pause and let them be their weird human selves, there remains a possibility of finding Divinity in humanity. For anything we pedestalize is only moments away from a crash.
Coming back to Jay Shetty, lets bring back reciprocity in mortal love stories. He says- There are three people we fall in love with- the firework, the candle, and the mirror. While the firework goes off as fast as it is lit, a candle burns longer but time still puts it out and then there is mirror- The one that compassionately shows you who are are, brings to surface your triggers in a non-judgmental way, asks you to constantly do inner work and be your brighter, expanded self.
For if we are to quote Rumi in our love stories, lets get back to one of his quotes- “It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.” That does sound like a mortal’s version of love – one that is balanced in giving and receiving, one that is conditional and one that is reciprocal.
Love and light
Yasmin
