A demand for an air-conditioner, allegations of physical assault and abusive WhatsApp messages targeting her sisters became part of a woman’s case for ending a marriage she said was marked by repeated harassment. The Chhattisgarh High Court has now granted her divorce, holding that the unchallenged WhatsApp messages reflected conduct that caused “deep mental anguish” and amounted to grave mental cruelty. (Source- Indian Express)

Sociologist Pierre Bourdieu’s concept of “symbolic violence” explains how individuals find it difficult to identify and move out of an abusive household. Symbolic violence refers to subtle forms of domination that are accepted as natural by those subjected to them. When women internalise the belief that enduring hardship is part of marriage, the power imbalance becomes self-sustaining. (Source- IE)

As per National Family Health Survey (NFHS-5), emotional spousal violence is part of the broader intimate partner violence (IPV) data, where 14% of ever-married women aged 18–49 reported experiencing emotional violence from their spouse. Due to the shield of laws in modern societies, physical violence becomes a scary place to enter, while the door of emotional abuse is easy to open. Emotional abuse rarely starts as overt abuse- It might start as innocuous humour remarks, subtle belittling of your efforts and achievements, constant criticism, emotional control, body shaming, casual taunts and controlling where one goes. Eventually it becomes a slow poison that shatters a person’s confidence inside out.

In 1893, when the only legal grounds for ending a marriage were death, cruelty or criminality, Scottish-Canadian novelist Robert Barr wrote a darkly comic short story, An Alpine Divorce. In February 2026, an Austrian court convicted Thomas P of manslaughter after he abandoned his girlfriend on the Grossglockner, the highest peak in the Alps, as per the BBC. The case cracked something open online. Women flooded social media with their own ‘Alpine divorce’ stories– reflecting the terrifying realisation that the person you trusted to protect and stand beside you can abandon you in your most vulnerable moments.

In intimate relationships, our nervous system begins to associate the partner with emotional regulation, safety, and protection. Therefore emotional unavailability is interpreted by brain as a threat. Besides humans are relational creatures. An intimate partner to some extent starts to becomes a measure of how we see ourselves. Proximity becomes power and distance a weapon. John Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen’ — Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling’ are seen as markers of chronic relational dysfunction.

Supreme Court has in a judgment held that patterns of behaviour which cause immense emotional distress to a married partner amount to mental cruelty and is a ground for divorce. “Marriage is a relationship built on mutual trust, companionship, and shared experiences. When these essential elements are missing for an extended period, the marital bond becomes a mere legal formality devoid of any substance. Prolonged separation, coupled with inability to reconcile, is a relevant factor in deciding matrimonial disputes… Forcing a marriage to continue when it has become a source of unhappiness and conflict undermines the very purpose of the institution of marriage,” Justice Nath explained.

The nature of emotional abuse can have many stages starting with ignoring and disregarding the victim. Next in order may be an overbearing behaviour followed by snubbing, criticising, fault finding etc. Then harsher forms like verbal assaults, screaming, calling names, intimidating, threatening etc follow.

The common forms of psychological abuse in couples are as follows-

1. Gaslighting- Gaslighting involves repeatedly denying, distorting or manipulating events to make a partner doubt their own memory, perception or judgement. Statements such as “That never happened,” “You are imagining things,” or “You are too sensitive” can become tools of manipulation when used persistently
2. Emotional Invalidation- Dismissing a partner’s feelings. It occurs when a person’s emotions are repeatedly mocked, minimised or treated as unreasonable. A partner expressing hurt may be told to stop being dramatic, grow up or learn to take a joke.
3. Silent Treatment and Emotional Withdrawal- Taking time to calm down after an argument can be healthy when communicated respectfully. However, deliberately withholding communication, affection or acknowledgement to punish, intimidate or control a partner can become psychological abuse.
4. Constant Criticism, Humiliation and Belittling- This form of abuse involves repeatedly attacking a partner’s intelligence, appearance, abilities, career, family background or personal worth. It may occur privately or through harmless jokes and humiliating remarks in front of friends, relatives or children.
5. Coercive Control- Turning Love into Surveillance. This may include monitoring their phone, messages, social media or location, dictating what they wear, whom they meet or where they go, etc.
6. Isolation from Friends and Family- An abusive partner may gradually create distance between their partner and their support system. They might criticise friends, manufacture conflicts with relatives, create suspicion about loved ones or insist that outsiders do not understand the relationship.
7. Blame-Shifting and Reversing Victim and Offender Roles- In this pattern, the person who causes harm avoids responsibility by making the injured partner appear to be the real problem.
8. Threats, Intimidation and Fear-Based Compliance- Psychological abuse can involve threats that make a partner afraid of the consequences of asserting themselves. These may include threats to end the relationship, expose private information, damage property, harm themselves, take away children or ruin the partner’s reputation.
9. Financial Abuse and Economic Dependence- Financial abuse is a form of control that restricts a partner’s ability to access, earn or manage money.
10. Gaslighting Through Infidelity, Secrecy and Projection- Betrayal can become psychologically abusive when it is accompanied by persistent deception, manipulation and the deliberate undermining of a partner’s perceptions.
11. Weaponizing Vulnerabilities and Personal Confessions- Intimate relationships often involve sharing one’s deepest fears, childhood wounds, insecurities and painful experiences. Such disclosures should be met with care and respect.
12. Conditional Love and Affection- In an unhealthy relationship, affection may be offered as a reward for obedience and withdrawn as punishment for independence or disagreement.
13. Moving the Goalposts and Creating Impossible Standards- Some partners establish expectations that continually change, making it impossible for the other person to feel that they have done enough.
14. Jealousy, Possessiveness and Accusations- Jealousy is a human emotion, but it becomes harmful when used to justify surveillance, restrictions, accusations or punishment. A partner may question every interaction with a colleague, interpret ordinary friendships as evidence of betrayal or demand that social contacts be abandoned to prove loyalty.
15. Sexual Pressure and Reproductive Coercion- Psychological abuse can also occur in a couple’s intimate life. It may involve guilt-tripping a partner into sex, threatening infidelity or abandonment if they refuse, humiliating them about their body or treating intimacy as an obligation rather than a freely given choice.
16. Triangulation and Deliberately Creating Insecurity- Triangulation involves bringing a third person into a relationship dynamic to provoke jealousy, gain leverage or undermine a partner.
17. Public Charm and Private Cruelty- Some individuals behave warmly, generously and respectfully in public while repeatedly belittling, intimidating or controlling their partners in private. This discrepancy can leave the victim feeling isolated and confused. The victim may also begin doubting themselves: “If everyone thinks this person is wonderful, perhaps I really am the problem.”

Eventually one must remember that – Love should deepen your sense of self, not teach you to abandon it. Love must bring out the good parts in you and not the bad ones. Emotional safety is the baseline of a romantic partnership and not the ceiling of it. A relationship should enhance your sense of self-worth and not diminish it.

Love and light

Yasmin