Family cycles are what they are- familiar
Anything which is familiar is comfortable, cozy and a known world for our nervous system. Change seeks disruption, change is a product of discomfort and change is what breaks familiar patterns. Our nervous systems might love familiar, our souls don’t. We are here to expand, question, seek higher and better for ourselves. The core generational patterns that seek your attention are-
1. The Cycle of Emotional Suppression
The pattern- “In our family, we don’t talk about feelings.”
Feelings are deemed weak or shameful to talk about. Grief is buried, anger is silenced and rest is ignored. Issues are brushed under the carpet and vulnerability and emotional honesty are thrown out of windows. What began as a survival strategy in one generation can become emotional disconnection in the next.
2. The Cycle of Abandonment and Insecure Attachment
The pattern- “People always leave, so I must protect myself.”
True and lasting intimacy is either jeopardised or self-sabotaged by fear of abandonment, inconsistent caregiving, or emotional unavailability. Some may cling to relationships out of fear, while others distance themselves to avoid being hurt. This fear doesn’t go buried but finds expression as relationship choices, conflict, and next generation’s parenting.
3. The Cycle of Shame, Guilt and Conditional Love
The pattern- “You are worthy only when you make us proud.”
Love here is a carrot and stick pattern connected to achievement, obedience, or reputation. Children may learn that their worth depends on pleasing others. As adults, they may become perfectionists, over-achievers, chronic people-pleasers, or individuals who struggle to establish boundaries.
4. The Cycle of Sacrifice and Self-Abandonment
The pattern- “A good family member puts everyone else first.”
Hustle is glorified, so is not putting one’s needs first. When generations have survived through hardship, duty, or limited choices, self-sacrifice may become a family virtue. People start to feed on each other’s sacrifices. Self-worth is confused with being selfish and one’s identity exists primarily to serve others. Over time, this can create resentment, burnout, and relationships in which care flows in only one direction.
5. The Cycle of Conflict, Control and Powerlessness
The pattern- “Love means control, obedience, or winning.”
When children repeatedly parental arguments, power struggles, intimidation, unresolved conflict, rigid authority, feminine subjugation, feminine suppression, toxic masculinity or silent treatment, these behaviours can become normalised. They may grow into controlling adults or start to avoid confrontation to maintain peace. In romantic partnerships and parenting, familiar power struggles can repeat until healthier communication, accountability, and boundaries are learned.
6. The Cycle of Scarcity, Fear and Survival
The pattern- “There is never enough, and the world is not safe.”
To stay in survival was once a necessity. To hoard was once needed. Now it becomes a lifestyle. Generations exposed to poverty, displacement or deprivation may develop deeply rooted survival beliefs. This can manifest as financial anxiety, fear of taking risks, an unhealthy relationship with money, an inability to rest even when life becomes more secure.
Generational patterns are not written in stone and etched in your memory forever. At the same time, it must not be forgotten that they are rooted within you- Patterns that are running you on auto-pilot mode. You never question them, nor face them let alone deal with them. Sometimes it takes major struggles or hardships in life to throw you into a position where you are forced to deal with them. It takes pain to sit with these patterns, patience to uproot them one at a time and time to choose new ones.
Our ancestors don’t die – They live in us. The question remains- Are you a carrier of blessings or toxic patterns and curses?
Maya Angelou, an American poet writes – “When you know better, you do better”
Today when we do know better, we can choose higher for ourselves, choose better for ourselves.
Yes we do stand on the strength of our ancestors and yes we do stand on the sacrifices they made. At the same time it must not be forgotten that nobody is more peaceful when you take time to rest. You don’t honour them by hustling, you honour them by choosing rest- The very same rest they sacrificed. Their hustle is a ground to build on, not a pattern you must guilt-trip yourselves on. Their offering is their blessings for you to touch yet another zenith and seek better for the bloodline.
And you don’t have to do it all alone.
Angelou writes in her iconic poem Still I Rise- “Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave…I am the dream and the hope of the slave.” You have them with you wherever you go and at every step you take.
May this Mahalaya Amavasya, you carry forward the gifts and do away with patterns that no longer serve you.
Love and light
Yasmin Gill
